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Posts Tagged ‘Yeardley Love’

Rabid Ratios

Posted in Books, Journaling, Wedding, Country, tagged , , , , , , on February 20, 2014| 2 Comments »

On a morning when most of the news involves the ecstasy of Russian Olympics and the agony of its bordering state, Ukraine (where the city of Kiev is about to implode), the ratio of 1:5 is what sticks in my craw. According to the White House, one in five women in college will be raped. I don’t know about you, but I found this to be rather alarming.

Equally infuriating is that one in three teenage relationships has experienced dating violence. http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-26263171

Our little town has been singled out recently for two contradictory things: 1) Charlottesville has been voted the second most “Friendliest” small city in America http://www.movoto.com/blog/top-ten/friendliest-small-cities/; and 2) the One Love Foundation has developed a new App to help students and their friends assess their level of dating danger http://www.joinonelove.org.

Just weeks before her graduation from UVA in 2010, lacrosse player Yeardley Love was killed by her ex-boyfriend. Her mother and sister have started the One Love Foundation in order to address dating violence and educate students about the signs and symptoms of a relationship on the brink of chaos.

The “One” represents the number Yeardley wore on her jersey during her high school and college lacrosse career. The number has since been retired by the University of Virginia in her memory.

The Bride volunteered at a rape crisis center on her Duke campus. And I’ve just found out that my cousin Anita, in Richmond is being trained as a volunteer advocate for rape and abuse cases in her local hospital’s Emergency Department. I was surprised at my immediate reaction to this news; I was proud of her at once, while knowing deep down I could never do it.

It pains me to admit it, but I know I would want the women to immediately leave their abuser, to get a restraining order, to go into the witness protection program if need be and move to Arizona. I’d buy the plane ticket! This is most likely the same reason I could never see myself becoming a psychologist, like my MIL Ada or my brother Dr Jim, it’s just not in my DNA to suffer for days and weeks and years on end vicariously with patients.

It’s not that I don’t feel compassion for the abused, but I would have trouble feeling empathy. I cringed when I wrote this, so I had to look up the word – empathy “the intellectual identification with or vicarious experiencing of the feelings, thoughts, or attitudes of another.” And I guess it’s true, because I myself would be the first one out the door if a man ever tried to hit or rape me, I can’t really identify with women who stay. I learned to love from my foster father Jim Mahon, and it never included a raised hand or a harsh word.

And I get that the abuse comes on slowly, that the abuser is so remorseful and kind after the incident and soothes his victim into thinking it will never happen again; he just has to stop drinking so much or she just has to make his eggs a certain way. I know it’s a slow insidious dance of death – if not physical, an emotional disconnect from her family and friends that strangles any hope of salvation.

I wonder if an App can help a victim understand she is in danger, or can it help one of her friends in our friendly city to alert her parents or a counselor? If it can, then I applaud One Love, which means more than just a number on a jersey. If we never learn to cherish and love ourselves, we can never expect others to do the same.

yeardley

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Wrongful Acts

Posted in Books, Journaling, Wedding, Country, tagged , , , , , on June 14, 2012| 3 Comments »

Last night the humidity broke and I met three friends on the historic pedestrian mall for shrimp and grits, perfect almost summer evening. As we picked a little, we talked a little about the latest scandal in this university town. On Sunday the UVA Board of Visitors announced a parting of the ways with our beloved President, Teresa Sullivan. Less than 2 years into her 5 year contract, it came as a shock to faculty, students and the community at large. People were talking about how they waited for graduation, for people to disperse around the world on their summer programs, and that fact, that lack of transparency, is what is still setting our little city on simmer.

The official reason, as stated in letters to faculty (full disclosure, Bob got one) was that they were experiencing “philosophical differences.” However, in a bold reporting move our little freebie weekly http://www.readthehook.com/104213/cabal-hall-why-does-darden-trump-carrs-hill dug up some new Albemarle red clay dirt. Her departure was “… less a mutual agreement and more of a palace coup orchestrated by alumni and friends of the Darden School.” Now Darden is the Business School here in Mr Jefferson’s village; it is quite exclusive competitive and sits high on a hill overlooking the university. Needless to say, many of the strings the Board has to pull come from behind the Darden curtain where alums of the $50,000 a year program go on to become 1 percenters in big time financial fields where money and power collide.

What makes a good university president? My brother Mike, the former President and General Manager of an NFL team once told me it takes “ruthlessness.” I may have said this before, but I’ll always remember that. He had dropped out of college to start working in the sports field, and was now teaching a business course at the University of Minnesota. Unlike Mitt, my brother truly was a Horatio Alger story. I was visiting the Flapper who had been relocated to a beautiful lakeside condo nearby for her golden years. In true outlier fashion, Mike said that every great university president has to have the connections and bring in capital; ruthlessness is what it takes to make money. But a media scholar here asks, “What does she (the Board’s Rector) want? … a top flight scholar and administrator with a sterling reputation who’s able to gather support from every constituency in the university?…If she wants that, she just fired her.” So who’s right? And what was Sullivan’s crime? It’s only in the last decade we’ve seen women rise to the very pinnacles of ivy towers, and maybe the formula for educational excellence has to shift.

And in yet another local university news headline, lawyers for the Lacrosse player who beat Yeardley Love’s head against a wall are asking for a change of venue in the civil case her mother has brought against him. He was found guilty in the criminal case if you recall; this is a “Wrongful Death” suit claiming 30 Million in damages from her daughter’s ex-boyfriend’s reckless indifference in leaving Yeardley, after beating her, to die. Love’s mother has recently filed a second law suit for 30 Million naming the “…Commonwealth of Virginia, University of Virginia head men’s lacrosse coach Dom Starsia, associate coach Marc van Arsdale and UVa Athletics Director Craig Littlepage as defendants.” I don’t know, do you think the media frenzy the Lacrosse case has engendered means our fair citizens cannot come to a fair opinion? I think Cvillians want to know the facts. For instance, did the President mishandle this high profile case? I don’t think so. Were her sympathies with the student-led “Living Wage” campaign? And if so, good for her! Philosophical or financial, everyone is agreed, Mr Jefferson’s Academical Village has suffered some major blows. http://www.cavalierdaily.com/

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What’s Love Got to do…

Posted in Books, Journaling, Wedding, Country, tagged , , , , on February 14, 2012| Leave a Comment »

I have not got my divas mixed up. This is one of my favorite Tina songs, my generation’s “Rolling in the Deep.” What’s love got to do with it? On this Valentine’s Day, amid all the saccharin sweetness, I’m reminded of the underbelly of passion; about breaking up, breaking hearts and spirits in the process. When the news broke about Whitney, some talked about her demons, her drugs, but I thought about her ex. You stay with your codependent, coaddicted, abusive partner too long, and you sink into the abyss. Whitney, you really could have had it all.

In the Yeardley Love murder trial, the jury has been hearing evidence from the medical examiner. This beautiful girl, tried breaking away from George Huguley. They lived in the same area, right up the street from a favorite bar, both played lacrosse for UVA, and had an “on again, off again” relationship for the last two years of college. It’s too simple to blame alcohol for his brutal attack, for the bruises on Love’s neck and the bleeding in her brain. We also can’t blame the victim, as the defense is trying to do, to reveal a justification for smashing in her door and smashing her head on a wall – was he jealous, did she take too much adderall? This is unconscionable in my book.

At some point we all grow up and take responsibility for our actions. In a perfect world, date violence could never happen. The girl says “No,” the boy says, “OK.” The first time the boy slams her into a locker, or puts a choke hold on her neck, the girl says, “So Long, See Ya, Goodbye.” But what’s happening to our girls in college? These young women grew up under Title IX, they work hard and play hard. They are under tremendous pressure to compete on the playing field, make the grades, AND look beautiful/thin/happy all at the same time. The Center for Collegiate Mental Health (CCMH) cites nearly one third of all students are seeking mental health counseling.

Sometimes a peer-run group can do a better job at catching those students who don’t seek out counseling. Yeardley Love’s friends and team mates must have felt tremendous guilt after her killing. We always ask ourselves what we might have done. Did someone hear her pleading? Should I have called her Mother? Was she not eating and sleeping normally? To Write Love on Her Arms http://www.twloha.com/ is a non-profit that seeks to help people with anxiety, depression, self-injury and body dysmorphic disorders. It has charters on many college campuses, in fact there is one at UVA. So if you think your roomie is suicidal – or drinking too much and blacking out – or being abused by her boyfriend, instead of doing nothing, you can gently engage them in this charity. Fostering empathy and compassion in a booze-fueled, fast-paced, “hook-up” culture is a good thing.

Whitney we will always love you. Tina you will always inspire me to dance like no one is watching. And Yeardley our community will remember you always. And to all you lonely hearts out there, Valentine’s Day doesn’t have to suck! Buy yourself some tulips, spring is right around the corner.

A Valentine Breakfast

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Justice x 2

Posted in Books, Journaling, Wedding, Country, tagged , , on October 27, 2011| Leave a Comment »

We here in Central VA have been closely following two high profile crimes of passion – two beautiful young women who were bludgeoned to death by their sweethearts. The verdict just came in on Eric Abshire, the dump truck driver from the next county with a checkered past who staged a ‘hit and run’ on one of our dark country lanes, after killing his wife Justine, a Kindergarten teacher only 27 years old. It was a circumstantial case; the timeline and an abundance of crime scene evidence helped to frame Abshire in his web of lies. He was suspected of being motivated by an insurance payout of $1.5 million. The jury found him guilty, with a recommendation of life in prison.

The crime happened on November 2, 2006 and many have wondered why it took so long to build the state’s case. Certainly Justine’s parents never gave up the search for justice, but also to be fair, our local weekly, “The Hook” kept the case alive. Kudos to those reporters who dug deep and consistently pointed out discrepancies in Abshire’s account of that evening.

The other crime to hit our little city has been followed by national news outlets since its inception last May – Yeardley Love, a 22 year old UVA lacrosse player, had her head slammed against a wall in her apartment and was left to die by her erratic boyfriend, George Huguely, who was also 22 and a member of the men’s lacrosse team. He has been held in our city’s jail and is scheduled to go to trial February 6, 2012 on charges of first-degree murder, felony murder, robbery, burglary, statutory burglary and grand larceny. Unlike Abshire who pleaded his innocence, Huguely was caught red-handed soon after the event and confessed to beating Love in a fit of alcohol fueled rage when she threatened to leave him.

The Huguely defense team has been asking a judge for Love’s medical records, something I find disturbing. The judge delayed a ruling as of yesterday until the court date, and will then rule on whether to make the records public. All this, while national and local TV news anchors are already naming the ADD drug Love was allegedly taking, and testing the waters of accidental death due to an irregular heartbeat. What ever happened to HIPPA? I guess with enough money and excellent lawyers, Huguely is trying to build his case against the coroner’s finding of the cause of death to be from, “…Blunt Force Trauma to the Head.”

What can we take away from these horrific crimes? Both young men had a history of alcohol abuse and violence, both were extremely controlling and possessive. They came from opposite sides of the tracks. Will Yeardley Love’s family find justice?

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