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Posts Tagged ‘Parenting’

Gossamer Wings

Posted in Books, Journaling, Wedding, Country, tagged , , , , on June 9, 2012| Leave a Comment »

Have you ever tried to lose weight? And when you did, have you slowly watched the pounds pile back on? Yesterday, my recumbent bike reading at the gym included the latest installment of The Atlantic. It’s the June issue with a big ice cream cone on the cover that is crossed out by a black mark and titled, “The End of Temptation.” I thought it would be all about how Bloomberg is trying to demonize giant-sized Slurpees or something similar. Instead it was simple – it was about B F Skinner, behavior modification, and weight loss.

Did I mention I was a Psych major back in the day? I absolutely loved behavior modification, but unfortunately during the Cold War Skinner’s ideas came under attack for being too Fascist. It was perfectly OK to reward rats for a certain behavior, but manipulating people with psychological strategies was thought to be a no no. Study after study showed that his techniques worked well on annoying habits like nail biting. Then Skinner’s theory made headlines in the treatment of autism. Now in light of our current obesity epidemic, a leading researcher in weight loss, Jean Harvey-Berino, said it best in the Atlantic article; http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2012/06/the-perfected-self/8970/ by David Freedman, “The Perfected Self.”

“Willpower doesn’t work…What works heavily relies on Skinner – shaping behavior over time by giving feedback, and setting up environments where people aren’t stimulated to eat the wrong foods.”

Oy there it is again, “Wrong Foods.” So there’s right and wrong foods. I overheard a woman next to me at the gym on the same day say to her friend, “The kids love going to Denise’s house, she doesn’t lock her pantry.” Her little group laughed and I silently cried for her children with a locked pantry. They were a modern day Hansel and Gretel. Should we all turn Vegan and eat only raw food? Is it time for parents to become the food police? How do you think of food? If food = love, which is kinda how I think of it, then withholding certain foods would not be a good thing. I chose never to have candy in the house when the kids were growing up, so going out to the candy store became an event….and seeing Grandma Ada who always had a little candy tucked away somewhere was equally thrilling. Making candy forbidden may have caused problems, but it wasn’t absolutely forbidden.

Getting back to willpower and weight loss, Freedman writes poetically about the current apps and programs that actually work. He talks about scales that are wired to our computers, the “Lose It!” app, and the one affordable program that seems to work, Weight Watchers. He says it is very Skinnerian only with gossamer walls. Skinner’s subjects were kept in a glass cage, where everything they did was monitored, every behavior they wanted to reinforce was rewarded. Who would want to live in a glass cage? Well it seems we do, remotely at least! More and more people are using these computer programs to lose weight. Take a look at Shape Up RI http://www.shapeupri.org/ started by some Brown medical students. And even good ole Weight Watchers has joined the fold and has added a bar scanning app to their online program. Thank you Jennifer Hudson. Yes sir, we can “share” every pound lost, and every exercise point gained with everyone!

I say if it works, Bravo! Go ahead and manipulate your environment and your smart phone to lose weight. But I am reminded of that little girl, the Bride’s friend who didn’t see the need for going on a walk to nowhere. Remember her? Well, her mom (my friend) was a lifer at Weight Watchers, and she told me once that her problem eating started in college. It seems her mom doled out only 2 Oreos at a time; so, when she was on her own in college, she ate the whole bag! This made me happy I didn’t dole out candy from a locked pantry!

Our Bride loves yoga, and our Rocker loves the holy guitar. Unfortunately I love to cook and I hate tracking everything I put in my mouth…maybe I’ll just walk more to start! And put on my gossamer wings and dance, dance, dance!

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Small Times

Posted in Books, Journaling, Wedding, Country, tagged , , , on May 24, 2012| Leave a Comment »

This week has been proclaimed National Small Business Week and DC is alive with everything little http://www.nationalsmallbusinessweek.com/ And I was involved in a group message about baby carriers with my sister-in-law and the Bride’s Amazon baby registry. I totally understand wanting to support our local businesses, the problem comes when a party is in one state, the parents-to-be live in another state, and the party-goers are mostly from an entirely different part of the world (like Hawaii, or say upstate NY). The nice thing about the Goliath Amazon is that they link to many smaller stores, and they also have a check box next to the “add to cart” link that says – “buying this gift elsewhere?” or, “Yes I am purchasing this item at a store of my choosing!”

I must admit that I’ve been feeling only slightly out of my element since the baby registry talks began. My parental style has again been challenged by this watershed event. “Mommy did you use scissors to cut my nails?” “No, sweetheart, I think I just bit them.” “Did you bathe me in the sink, or did you have a baby bathtub?” “No darling, I used to take you in the bath with me and bathe you on my lap.” I was beginning to sound like some Neanderthal cave mom! Looking back, maybe I was. Living on a mountain, check! Heating with wood, check! Hanging cloth diapers outside on the line since I didn’t have a dryer, check check! Well, that is until the Flapper came to visit and went right down to the local hardware store and ordered an electric clothes dryer and charged it to Bob. Check…

And this is how becoming a grandparent is similar to becoming a mother-of-the bride. You are treading on an emotional land mine; how to balance your ideas for a best practice, with your daughter’s and her husband’s ideas. Yes, nowadays the dad is stepping up to the challenge of parenting thanks to all those rights we women fought for and are still having to defend. Thank you to the Groom’s Mom for raising an enlightened man, one who is not afraid of being surrounded by pink! But I have to say that the one thing planning a wedding has taught me was to listen, and follow their lead. It was their wedding, and this is their baby. I won’t have to buy them a dryer, and I don’t smoke so I won’t be confined to the porch (sorry Gi). I usually try to NEVER give advice unless someone asks me for it. Plus, I am lucky to have a great relationship with my daughter, and maybe key, I have a wonderful MIL. She is a licensed marriage counselor who reminds me daily about boundaries.

Beyond babies and back to business, our soon-to-be Senator Tim Kaine asked on his Facebook page, “What are your favorite small businesses across Virginia?” My favorite VA businesses are: 1) a chic shoe store named Scarpa http://www.thinkscarpa.com/ 2) a delicious Chardonnay from White Hall Winery http://www.whitehallvineyards.com/ 3) my friend Wendi’s high end consignment traveling business http://www.leftoverluxuries.com/ and 4) the only place to go for jewelry and unique gifts http://www.lynnegoldmanstudio.com/ Oops I almost forgot, 5) if you love freshly baked rolls for your next barbecue try Great Harvest, next to Cville Coffee http://greatharvestcville.com/ A very “great” family owned business! And please, if you care about small businesses, read this article and contact your legislators:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/fred-r-becker-jr/national-small-business-week_b_1533807.html because, “…a vote for S.2331/H.R. 1418 is a vote in favor of Main Street small businesses and the average American taxpayer. It’s a vote for the American way of life.” Amen.

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It’s a Beautiful Day

Posted in Books, Journaling, Wedding, Country, tagged , , , , , on May 19, 2012| Leave a Comment »


…to be Outside! Britain’s National Trust has come up with a bucket list for kids, 50 things to do before your child turns 12! It’s a pretty extraordinary list and is meant to get everyone moving and exploring nature, outside. I have to admit I did most of them, though I’m not sure what playing “conkers” is? http://www.telegraph.co.uk/earth/earthnews/9201607/National-Trust-50-things-to-do-before-you-are-12.html Here are the top 5:

1. Climb a tree
2. Roll down a really big hill
3. Camp out in the wild
4. Build a den
5. Skim a stone

I remember the Bride’s first little friend after we moved back to the burbs of NJ. They were in 2nd or 3rd grade and had a mini-science project to do, so I suggested they gather up some sand from our sand box to start. The little girl was terrified of putting her hands in the sand box. It was the first time I thought to myself, “What have I done?” I loved living in the mountains of MA, cross country skiing, taking my children on hikes and swimming in our pond, but I longed to be closer to our family. Well to be honest, there was a young friend in MA who once asked me very straight-faced why I wanted to take them for a walk. She just did not see the need for walking without a purpose, and she was only 5 years old!

Today is the third annual, “Take Our Children to the Park…And Leave Them There Day!” Yes indeed, that Free Range mom is at it again, proposing to parents a little break in their day to teach their children some much needed social skills and a little independence http://freerangekids.wordpress.com/2012/05/08/third-annual-take-our-children-to-the-park-and-leave-them-there-day-coming-up-sat-may-19/ It’s really not a radical idea, in fact it’s empowering. Of course, I would add this depends on where you live and the age of the child, but raising a bubble-wrapped kid is definitely bad for their mental and physical health, in my opinion.

So tie up your sneakers, fire up your grill, climb a tree! Go out into the great outdoors. I’ve just about finished planting my kitchen herbs in pots by the door. Or hey, maybe the Rocker could set up his band on a runway? “What you don’t have you don’t need it now…it’s a beautiful day!

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Mother Meanderings

Posted in Books, Journaling, Wedding, Country, tagged , , on May 13, 2012| 3 Comments »


Thanks to a blogger from New Hampshire, who happened to be “Freshly Pressed” by WordPress, http://susannye.wordpress.com/ I started thinking about Moms in general. What was life like around the dinner table, did your mom even cook and insist that you sit down to eat a few times a week? The relationship we form between love and food actually does start at the breast, which then made me think about that controversial Time cover picture of a nearly 4 year old boy in camouflage pants standing up, latched onto his mom’s milk truck.
http://abcnews.go.com/International/slideshow/time-breastfeeding-cover-controversial-magazine-covers-16328228

The Greatest generation didn’t nurse their kids. They embraced white Wonder Bread since whole wheat, brown bread was thought to be only for those who “…just got off the boat.” Those newly arrived immigrants would also nurse their babies; our modern post WWII moms were taught to sterilize bottles. A whole new industry was born, baby formula! No wonder they called pregnancy and early motherhood a time of “confinement,” in fact Bob’s elderly Aunt Bertha asked me once – “When will you be going into confinement dear?”

Now some moms have come full circle, they are baby-centric, wearing their babies all wrapped up in true third world fashion. They nurse on demand and co-sleep in a family bed, it’s something called “Attachment Parenting.” I dislike this term since it suggests that all previous moms in history were practicing “Detachment Parenting.” The feminist in me scoffs, really, do we have to play the mommy wars again? Aren’t we pitting ourselves against the “free range” parents vs the “bubble wrapped” practitioners? Being a good mom means nurturing and loving your child, setting rules and civilizing them too. There is a middle road.

My sister once told me that she never wanted to wake up angry, because she remembers the Flapper being angry whenever my sister would wake her. Of course our Mother had lost her husband to cancer and was working in a shirt factory to make ends meet. She was most likely exhausted all the time. I never wanted my dinner table to be a war zone, because I remember my foster mother Nell always telling me I had to finish everything on my plate. Growing up during the Depression made Nell quite frugal, a ‘waste not/want not’ type of home maker. So we learn how not to be a mother too, from our past.

I wanted a natural childbirth, but my daughter was breech and so they had to do surgery. We plan, God laughs. I nursed her for ten months and wore her on my back in a Bjorn. I washed her real diapers and hung them on the line in the sun. I made her real baby food from whatever I was cooking. But we believed in a good night’s sleep and so she was taught to sleep in her crib. I remember the Flapper calling me one day and asking what was I doing. I told her I was playing on the floor with my infant daughter. She laughed. So I asked her what was so funny?

She said the only time she would play with her babies was when she was feeding or bathing them. Time is the greatest gift moms have to give to their children. Quiet reading, playing, and yes sitting down around the dinner table time. Listening to their day, their concerns, listening between the lines of what they say. Being present. Driving her to cheerleading practice, being his soccer coach. It doesn’t matter if you opened a can, defrosted a TV dinner, or cooked something healthy from an all organic, local farm. Thank you to the Bride and the Rocker, for teaching me how to be their mom. And a very Happy Mother’s Day to y’all.

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Happy Bday Mr President

Posted in Books, Journaling, Wedding, Country, tagged , , , on April 14, 2012| Leave a Comment »

A music festival was happening right in my own backyard and I didn’t even know about it until now! This weekend kicks off the 1st Annual Tom Tom Founders Festival http://www.tomtomfest.com/ in honor of, you guessed it, Mr Thomas Jefferson’s birthday. Lucky for us, it’s a month long celebration! There was a 10 band block party last night on the steps of the old McGuffey Arts Center, that spilled into the park where the Groom first saw his Bride!

This sounds like an ambitious and highly creative project that maybe needs a better PR team, but hey, this is the run-up to next year. It’s like MOMA meets SXSW and a modern day southern Woodstock is born!

Bob is flying to Williamburg today for a lunch date with his Woodstock buddy, Al and his son Brian. Brian is many hours into pilot training and did a tour in Cville at the JAG Law School. I’m glad the Army chose to keep him in the area. Part of the second generation of Big Chillers, I’m also thankful one of that group became a lawyer. Along with doctors, rock stars, engineers, and travel executives, you never know when you might need a good lawyer…

Which leads me to my very BFF in MA, Lee. She was an assistant DA for many years while having her children; later, she opened her own law practice. My favorite Mother’s Day memory was playing with our babies while the dads grilled dinner in our backyard. For the GOP to start up with the whole “Working Mothers” divide is semantics at its worst. Ann Romney is right when she said we all have that choice to make; we women, our bodies, our babies, our choices. The naughty little twist in that equation is that money can make the choices much, much easier. Single moms, and moms who must work outside the home to make ends meet, they know the true story. Some moms can afford nannies, and some can barely pay for day care (that’s another problem), some have husbands who are parenting at home, while some choose to stay at home working… Let’s not divert the war that is being waged on reproductive rights with a false dialogue on working women.

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Mockingbird

Posted in Books, Journaling, Wedding, Country, tagged , , on April 8, 2012| Leave a Comment »

The annual pilgrimage to Grandma’s house was capped off last night by a special tribute to the great American film classic, To Kill a Mockingbird. We were transported back to the deep South of the Depression with one of my favorite heroines, Scout, and her heroic Father, Atticus Finch. President Obama introduced the film on its 50th anniversary to an exceptionally large TV audience, by distilling the story – it’s about doing the right thing, even when it’s difficult.

And talking about the future with healthy, active octogenarians was one part of the weekend festivities. Change is always hard. Living in the same house for 45 years means that more than memories reside in every corner. And for some, like Atticus’ neighbor, Maudie, knitting on her porch in front of her beautiful garden, aging well, in their own home is the answer.

Here is a picture of the Rocker in a highchair and the Bride in the middle, happily enjoying a Seder years ago. This year the newlyweds were in Italy, but the Rocker was home from his tour and paying attention. He said he’s watching what we do with his Grandparents. Like Scout and her brother Jem were watching Atticus from the Colored balcony as he spoke about injustice and all men being equal, we parents model more than we’ll ever know.

20120408-100624.jpg

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Parenting Old School

Posted in Books, Journaling, Wedding, Country, tagged , on March 31, 2012| 1 Comment »

Thank you to my friend Polli for uploading this article onto her Facebook newsfeed this morning:
http://mobile.theweek.com/article/index/96342/the-last-word-advice-from-americas-worst-mom

Now you have to know Polli. She’s one of those moms with 6 kids and a clean kitchen. I could never figure out how she did it. Plus, she threw great parties and was the most welcoming hostess ever. The neighborhood adored her, and for some reason, she decided to befriend me. I was ecstatic to help her with flower arrangements for beach weddings and to call on her at anytime for parenting advice. I remember distinctly complaining about not being able to get the Rocker up for school, despite 3 alarm clocks, and she matter-of-factly said, “If he misses the bus, he walks.” Brilliant. I remember using this same philosophy many times. My motto was ‘to learn responsibility, you must give them some responsibility.’ Was I a bad parent? And BTW, we lived about a half mile down a dead-end street and the kids had to ride their bikes to the main drag to get the school bus. At some adolescent point – that being before they got a driver’s license – riding bikes was just not cool. But no parent drove their kids to the bus stop or waited for their return, unless it was sleeting freezing rain. I wonder if they are doing that now?

And I wonder, would I allow my 9 year old to ride the subway? Well since I can’t fathom the NY subway system myself, probably not. But if we lived in NY, maybe? The Bride was once reminiscing to a friend and said that I had told her never to smile at anyone. Stunned, I said I did no such thing. Then she reminded me of a trip by train into NYC. Walking through Penn Station, some seedy looking guys at a pizzeria were smiling and waving at her. Then I saw my eleven year old daughter smiling right back. Indeed, I grabbed her hand and told her NEVER to do that again! It was the start of suburban parenting meets city gorilla parenting, we needed to teach our daughters – don’t dawdle, walk straight ahead, don’t look up at skyscrapers, don’t act like a tourist, etc etc… I was not a Tiger Mom, and I tried not to be a Helicopter Mom, but we all want to know if we did a good job at parenting. Sometimes we get to ask them what they thought, and now on the eve of becoming a grandparent myself, I’m starting to reflect.

I did send the Bride at sixteen with her Maid of Honor and BFF to Paris alone one summer. Here they are hamming it up at the wedding.

You see their Duke University group was stranded at the Raleigh-Durham airport by a sudden storm, so they would miss their Kennedy connection. There we were, waiting at Kennedy in NY, and the BFF’s Mom and I made the executive decision that the girls were old enough to fend for themselves. And they did, riding the Metro, finding their housing, and spending one of the best weekends of their young lives in Paris unsupervised (all pre-cell phone). It’s a good thing nobody from the Today show called me! I might have been drummed out of the Corps of Good Parents.

Back to the recalcitrant Rocker. He was taking a sailing course at about age 9 in the land of Two Rivers, and one day they had to swamp the boat and get back in. I wrote about it in the newspaper. I said sometimes boats sink. Because that’s what parenting is, teaching our kids how to survive until they have their own IRA. How to be resilient, and move forward no matter what obstacle they may encounter. How to get themselves up and ready for school. How to get home on a subway, by themselves.

Here’s my advice to new parents – stop swaddling your children in cotton wool. The goal is to get them out of the house eventually, not to chew their food for them. Hello! And to that end, here are a couple of very good references:
Bringing Up Bebe, by Pamela Druckerman
The Blessing of a Skinned Knee, by Wendy Mogel
“Free Range Kids” Blog by Lenore Skenazy

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Sleeping with Barbie

Posted in Books, Journaling, Wedding, Country, tagged , , on December 4, 2011| Leave a Comment »


She enters left, strutting her tight red dress, dirty Barbie stuff. To 80’s music, she performs a naughty strip tease with the doll, throwing tiny Barbie heels at the audience. She is Denise Stewart in a Smurfette tee and in just over an hour, she will have you laughing about her North Carolina, youngest-of-four childhood and tearing up over her loving Mother’s inability to quit drinking. She grew up under the tender eyes of Southern neighborhood women, who folded her into their families without taming her spirit. Thankfully.

Her play, Dirty Barbie and other Girlhood Tales is an ode to growing up female and made me think of my own parenting. A feminist has a baby girl who wants to become a cheerleader and is allergic to dust mites, ie no stuffed toys. Barbie became my daughter’s companion out of necessity – she was plastic, and you could wash her clothes.

But I was always secretly worried about the underlying message; the sexual undertow of pretty is all you’ll ever need to be in this world honey.

Barbie appeared in 1959 so I was immune to her wily ways. Plus I was a tomboy, when being a tomboy was something to be proud of…I even punched a mean boy in the face with my ice cream cone once. Notice the red Wayfarers and sexy white popcorn socks on this young Mom in her kid totem!

When Barbie started building her career over the years, becoming everything from an astronaut, to a firefighter, and even a rock star I felt slightly better about her influence. And yes Denise you’re right. Mattel will probably never make a Bipolar, Bulimic or Binge Drinking Barbie. Still, I’m so glad she broke up with Ken.
For possible tix to a sold out show: http://www.livearts.org/
For ideas on gifts other than Barbie: http://www.girlsforachange.org/

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