MountainMornings

Happy Valentine’s Day! According to my husband, today is just another Hallmark holiday. But last night, as I was helping the Pumpkin finish his class Valentine’s day cards – a chore he did not relish btw – I thought about love in all its guises. I knew there was a certain girl who gave a certain 1st Grader butterflies in his tummy, but how does that initial attraction lead to true love later in life? And does everyone have a soul mate?

First, we have good old fashioned Lust; your eyes meet and your knees buckle. We’ve all been there. Although when I got my first kiss on the Kindergarten bus, I was less than overwhelmed. Scientists tell us that Lust usually fades after six months or so. Hence the serial monogamist, that person who falls in and out of love every year. It’s like having an addiction to adrenalin. Needless to say, not very good marriage material.

After the initial attraction, comes Obsession. That period where you stop eating and sleeping and all you can do is think about ‘the other’ all the time. When I first went off to college, I would sometimes “see” Bob on a sidewalk in Boston. I knew he was at Duke in North Carolina in my head, but my heart wanted him to be with me. It’s like being a tiny bit crazy, this phase of love. It’s a critical time – either your star-crossed illusion wears off, or you commit to each other.

Finally we have long term Attachment, ie marriage and all that entails. Not everyone is cut out for this kind of loyalty. Bob and I have been together for over 40 years now! But in the animal kingdom, only 5% of all mammals in the world practice monogamy. Surprisingly, 90% of birds are socially or sexually monogamous!

“Albatrosses mate for life, often after spending years—even decades—finding the right mate. To find a mate, they perform an elaborate dancing ritual that is unique to each bonded pair… I am blown away by how unique each of these dances really is. Once bonded, albatrosses spend very little time together, as most of their time is spent alone out at sea; but the time they do spend together tends to be filled with affection and cuddles.”

http://crosstalk.cell.com/blog/10-examples-of-monogamy-in-the-animal-kingdom#:~:text=Scientists%20estimate%20that%20less%20than,lizards%20practice%20monogamy%20as%20well.

Bob took tango lessons with me a number of years ago, and if that’s not true love what is? But going on three years of pandemic/inspired, isolationist/sheltering in place with our beloved, many of us would like to break free… just a little. Can we just have some ALONE time like the albatross? I for one, need time to sit and write alone, to paint alone, to just BE. And surprise surprise, I am NOT alone in this deficit of alone time, it’s called, “aloneliness,” the opposite of loneliness.

“Allowing someone 24 hours of rest, or even just a few hours of undisturbed time with themselves, “can change the way they can show up for others,” said Nedra Tawwab, a therapist in Charlotte, N.C., and author of “Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself.” ‘Many parents don’t have the downtime needed to restore themselves. It’s restorative to do nothing, and to be granted the ability to do nothing is a loving act.'”

https://www.nytimes.com/2021/05/19/well/family/alone-time.html

If you’ve been having “too much of a good thing” with a partner working from home in the next room, I wish you a small stab at solitude this Valentine’s Day. And maybe a walk to the local chocolate shop! https://temperedfinechocolates.com/